This essay explores three aspects of the normal processes of adult-adu
lt love: falling in love, being in love, and staying in love. It descr
ibes the emotions, defenses, and challenges inherent in each phase. Lo
ve is an ordinary but immensely powerful adult aspiration. As a term i
t is impossible to define in any singular sense. The attainment of its
lofty purposes requires profound intrapsychic adjustments involving c
reative acts of imagination, the integration of ideals with reality, e
volving adaptations to the partner, the maintenance of a positive inte
rnal image of the partner, and ongoing struggles to overcome self-inte
rest. These adjustments have not been well characterized by the mental
health professions. This is ironic since a large portion of our work
involves caring for love's casualties-that is, people whose miseries r
elate to their inability to successfully negotiate the phases of love
or whose happiness is limited by their partners who cannot. Six argume
nts for ending professional avoidance of the topic are offered, the mo
st compelling of which are love's relevance to both the pathogenesis o
f mental suffering and to the art of psychotherapeutic healing.