When words hurt: The effects of perceived intentionality on interpersonal relationships

Why is it that some hurtful messages have a greater impact on relationships than others? Theorists suggest that the way people interpret another indiv idual's negative behavior can influence how close or distant they feel from that person, as well as the emotions they experience. The first study repo rted in this article was conducted to examine how judgments of intent affec t individuals' tendency to distance themselves from someone who hurt them a nd how such judgments impact people's experience of hurt. Results indicated that people who judged something an individual said to them as intentional ly hurtful felt the comment had more of a distancing effect on their relati onship with the individual than did those who perceived the message as unin tentionally hurtful. Furthermore, those who viewed the comment as intention ally hurtful tended to be less satisfied with the relationship they had wit h the person who hurt them and felt less close to the person than did those who saw it as unintentional. The findings also revealed that people's perc eptions of messages they saw as unintentionally hurtful varied in theoretic ally important ways. To follow-up on the notion that there are qualities of messages viewed as unintentionally hurtful that contribute to relational d istancing and hurt feelings, a second study was conducted. Findings indicat ed that the perception of messages as part of an ongoing pattern of hurtful communication - as relatively frequent and as part of a general tendency t o hurt others was associated with relational distancing. Also, people's ten dency to feel disregarded by the individual who hurt them was linked with r elational distancing and hurt feelings.