Mourning the loss builds the bond: Primal communication between foster, adoptive, or stepmother and child

In this article, a particular source for the gifts and agonies of non-biolo gical mothering bonds will be examined, namely the losses both mother and c hild bring to the new bond-building endeavor. As many women choose non-biol ogical parenting because they are unable to have children of their own, the degree to which they grieve their loss is a factor in their capacity to fu lly attach with foster, step-or adoptive children. On the other side of the connection, many agonies that mothers endure result from the use of projec tive identification by the child to communicate the devastating feelings du e to losses experienced prior to engaging with this new caretaker. The chil d, too. needs to make peace with these losses, to have them acknowledged so that s/he can move on to new developmental pains and gains. On neither sid e of the interaction can the attachment process be taken for granted: both mother and child have to work at belonging to one another. Often the feelin gs which permeate the intersubjective space between mother and newly-claime d child seem like insurmountable obstacles because Df their unconscious, pr imitive or preverbal nature. The mother may be called upon to contain and b ear witness to the child profound distress, which can undermine her confide nce as a mother. Similarly the child may, be subject to the mothers unconsc ious fantasies about the child she wished she'd had, and experience the fut ility of living up to such expectations. This piece is an attempt to deline ate the pitfalls, due to not:yet-mourned losses, on the way to mutual recog nition on the part of mother and child in non-biological bonds.