B. Waterman, Mourning the loss builds the bond: Primal communication between foster, adoptive, or stepmother and child, J LOSS TRAU, 6(4), 2001, pp. 277-300
In this article, a particular source for the gifts and agonies of non-biolo
gical mothering bonds will be examined, namely the losses both mother and c
hild bring to the new bond-building endeavor. As many women choose non-biol
ogical parenting because they are unable to have children of their own, the
degree to which they grieve their loss is a factor in their capacity to fu
lly attach with foster, step-or adoptive children. On the other side of the
connection, many agonies that mothers endure result from the use of projec
tive identification by the child to communicate the devastating feelings du
e to losses experienced prior to engaging with this new caretaker. The chil
d, too. needs to make peace with these losses, to have them acknowledged so
that s/he can move on to new developmental pains and gains. On neither sid
e of the interaction can the attachment process be taken for granted: both
mother and child have to work at belonging to one another. Often the feelin
gs which permeate the intersubjective space between mother and newly-claime
d child seem like insurmountable obstacles because Df their unconscious, pr
imitive or preverbal nature. The mother may be called upon to contain and b
ear witness to the child profound distress, which can undermine her confide
nce as a mother. Similarly the child may, be subject to the mothers unconsc
ious fantasies about the child she wished she'd had, and experience the fut
ility of living up to such expectations. This piece is an attempt to deline
ate the pitfalls, due to not:yet-mourned losses, on the way to mutual recog
nition on the part of mother and child in non-biological bonds.